A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.
He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.
So he asked the centipede
in the box,
“Would you like to go
down the pub with me today?
We will have a good time.”
But there was no answer
from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
“How about going
down the pub with me ?”
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.
The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.
This time he
put his face up against
the centipede ‘ s box and shouted,
“Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
the pub with me?
a little voice
came out of the box,
“I heard you the first time!
I ‘m putting my f—ing shoes on!”
From an email I received today.
In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb.’
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden’.. …
And thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Coca-Cola was originally green..
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
The first novel ever written on a typewriter,
Each King in a deck of playing cards represents a great King from history:
Spades – King David
Hearts – Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds – Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes.
Q….. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’?
A… One thousand
Q…. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A… All were invented by women.
Q… What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase…’Goodnight , sleep tight’
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s Father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, Ale is ordered by pints and quarts….
So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase: ‘Mind your P’s and Q’s.’
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ”Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
Don’t delete the following just because it looks weird.
Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2015 when…
1… You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2… You haven’t played Solitaire with real cards in years.
3… You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three..
4… You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5… Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6… You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone, to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries…
7… Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8… Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it
10. You get up in the morning and go on line, before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding, and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t
a 9 on this list.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends.
You know you want to!
And stop trying to lick your elbow
Know I know how aid / finance packages work lol.
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village . The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 euro note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the ¤100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services” on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the ¤100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the 100 euro note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.
Nicked from Pete Masons Hameln fb page 😉
Mr Putin was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang,
“Hello, Mr Putin!” a heavily accented voice said, “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo in Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you”
“Well Paddy” Mr Putin replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Paddy after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub, that makes eight.”
Mr Putin paused, “I must tell you, Paddy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move at my command.”
“Begorra!” said Paddy. “ I’ll have to ring you back!” Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment”
“ And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Mr Putin asked.
“Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Mr Putin sighed. “I must tell you Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14, 000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“Saint’s preserve us,” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Once again. Paddy rang the next day. “ Mr Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, 6 Engineer Leprechauns, 2 Dragons, 4 Unicorns and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well”
Mr Putin was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “ Paddy I must tell you that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface to air missile sites, and since we last spoke I have increased my army to TWO MILLION.
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph!” said Paddy. “ I’ll ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy called the next day.
“Top o’ the mornin’ Mr Putin, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.”
“ I’m sorry to hear that, “ said Mr Putin, “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well,” said Paddy. “ We’ve all had a long chat over a few pints, and decided there is now way we could feed two million prisoners.”
Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day, resting.
He enquired of God, ‘Where have you been?’
God pointed downwards through the clouds.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, ‘What is it?’
‘It’s a planet,’ replied God, ‘and I’ve put LIFE on it.
I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.’
‘Balance?’ inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.
‘For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while South America is going to be poor;
the Middle East over there will be a hot spot,
and Russia will be a cold spot.
Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.’
God continued, pointing to the different countries.
This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.’
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, ‘What’s that?’
‘Ah,’ said God. ‘That’s the North of England, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities;
it is the home of the world’s finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.
The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world.
They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.’
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, ‘What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!’
God replied very wisely, ‘Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I’m putting down South to Govern the country!’
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight AA0093, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and….. JESUS CHRIST…! OH, MY GOOD GOD !’
A Long Silence followed..!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants..!’
One Irish passenger yelled…
‘For fuck’s sake ……. you should see the back of mine..!